the past two weeks have brought about several significant events impacting Life as i know it. for months now, i have been reticent regarding personal goings on because i have been playing a waiting game, and in times of uncertainty i tend to shut up and hide. the world moves around me and i grow rigid and white-knuckled and press on through. since returning in january i have been in a holding pattern of sorts, waiting for a prospective job opportunity to truly begin. i have already laid the groundwork for it in a freelance capacity, already put in many hours of work over the past year and more for this particular business and individual. now my employer and i need to get things above board, so to speak, and turn my living here into a legitimate thing. bureaucratic processes are forever sluggish, and thus i have spent the first part of 2009 waiting, more or less. on the fourth of march i had an appointment with the IND (Dutch immigration) to submit an application for a residence permit for employment purposes. a residence permit, however, requires a work permit in this scenario. just a few days ago my employer received a negative advice on my case from UWV, the agency which issues work permits. this means that they will not accept our petition for an employment visa based on current circumstances. it is not an outright rejection, we will request a review and present additional material in my case, but it is certainly a setback after weeks and months of waiting. perhaps more psychologically than anything else. i need to be a legal resident of this city and nation for at least a couple more years. the job opportunity itself is unique, offering both autonomy and essential experience. this should happen.
what i don't like about this postponement in Life is the undercurrent of constant stress that comes with it, a package deal of sorts. it contributes toward making me insular, snappish, less forgiving and more demanding. all of which is difficult to reconcile with how i would like to be, to live. in some respects, i feel the attitude is justified, in others perhaps not. the more unbalanced i feel about it, the longer things go on, the more it becomes ingrained and frustrating, the more i feel unbalanced... it's a vicious cycle.
but last saturday a ray of hope broke over the horizon, or rather, arrived packaged in a cardboard box. my sweet
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nichica surprised me with a gift, an Xbox 360 Elite, along with the all-important games i've wanted to play for quite some time. you should have seen my face. call it distraction, call it plastic happiness with a whirring fan and glowing green lights, i don't care. things are looking up, and i will be more at ease by degrees as the days go on. reciting that mantra, looking for zen. now i just need a regular income. wish me luck.
